My website is expiring and I’m broke. It was nice while it lasted. I was a .com for an entire year. For an entire year, I had something I felt was mine. I suppose it still is, but it’s just a regular ole blog now. The thrill of the .com domain has faded.
So has my inspiration and parts of my hope. I get it – life is temporary… but I’m here. My life isn’t over so I can’t look to the end of it for some sort of comfort. I’m still here. I’m still battling my own emotions. I’m still struggling. I’m still wrestling with things each day of my life. The end will only matter once I reach it, in my opinion.
Christianity tells us that how we live determines the end, but I’m out of energy for all of that. I’ve run out of efforts. I’ve been trying. I’ve been showing up. I’ve been repenting and attempting to be different. I’ve been loving and giving. I’m running out. I suppose the goal is to never run out regardless how many cycles you endure, but I’m experiencing motion sickness. I’m tired of the motions. They aren’t helping me. Glory to God if anyone else has been healed or restored, but what about me?
I keep making miracles out of molehills and it’s just not working anymore. I still battle drug addiction. I still masturbate. I am still a lonely, single, divorced woman no matter how many times I try to tell myself otherwise. I’m still overweight though I’ve been making efforts to change that for 7 years now. I’m still in Baton Rouge in my parents home. My credit is still shot. I still don’t have a college degree and no money to go back to school. I’m still trapped between the rock and hard place that past decisions created. They say “hold on.” They say “trust God”… but trust him to do what, exactly?
To eradicate my debt? To restore everything I’ve lost? To add love to my life? To heal me? To deliver me? I’ve been waiting. I’ve been praying. I’ve been believing. At this point, I’m convinced he’s not coming for me. I see him answer others. I see how he’s moved on their behalf. I see mountains falling in other people’s lives. I wanted to believe that meant he was getting closer to me. Now I know, things aren’t always what they seem.
In a sense, I am just waiting to die. I’m doing my best to keep my hands and mind clean so I won’t burn for eternity, but all in all, I’m just ready to not be here anymore.
I digress. Not that anybody reads this or cares anyway.
I am (still) Eryka
Eryka I AM 