Still

Well, I’m still here. My site may no longer be a .com, but it is still MINE. I am still ALIVE. I am still WELL. To God be the Glory!

I don’t think God expects me to be extremely happy and excited every second of every day. My biggest fear these days is failing to be grateful. I am grateful. Emotional at times & often blinded by that emotion, but I am still grateful.

God didn’t instruct me to be perfect. He simply says, Be STILL.

I am still WRITING. I am still SPEAKING. I am still BELIEVING & trying to BELIEVE. I am still HERE. And…

I am (still) Eryka

Want, Need & Gotta Have

My Dad always says that there are 3 types of decisions in life: The wants, The needs & The things you just gotta have. A pedicure is a want. Groceries are needs. Medication to treat an unexpected illness is a Gotta Have. Whenever I’m facing a huge purchase, or even a tiny purchase when I only have a few coins, I ask myself which category does the thing belong to.

Do I need this? Do I really want it? Do I have to have it, right now? A lot of bullets have been dodged by following this philosophy. Thanks Dad. Ultimately, I understand that I don’t have to do and own every possible thing, and I will still survive! Fomo, or the Fear of Missing Out is a real thing. So many folks are attending events and buying things just so they don’t feel left out when others do the same. So many wedding planners are making big bank these days because Susie’s wedding must be bigger than Nancy’s. The world thrives on competition. It’s human nature.

Where there is competition, jealousy brews.

The whole purpose of competition is to finish before another, or come out on top, known as the best. The average human being is starved for attention. Newborn babies and infants receive a substantial amount of affection, but that soon wears off as the child grows. Yes, there are some cases where that nurturing and affection continues, but more times than not, the baby is weaned off the breast, sent to school and told to grow up. Talents go uncelebrated and accomplishments go unnoticed. Mothers and Fathers get so busy taking care of the home that they neglect both each other and the emotional needs of their offspring. It’s nobody’s fault. It’s a cycle that dates back centuries. Humans are so busy achieving and competing with things outside our homes and our own selves and we have forgotten to give our time and energy to the things closest to us. Those are the things that want us, need us and gotta have us.

As much as I have enjoyed, at least momentarily, the boyfriends and lovers of my past. If asked to trade them for quality time with my Father and adoration from Him, I would have. I can say this now thanks to wisdom and growth, but looking back I can see how every romantic relationship I gave myself to was a placeholder for what I wish my father gave me. My father has always been busy providing though. I don’t fault him for this. It’s what he was taught. He had a family that needed to be fed, clothed and housed. That’s where his focus was. Would some balance have been nice? Sure, but he did what was necessary.

In a perfect world, all children are given the nurturing and affection they need and they grow into adults who offer the same. In a perfect world, there would be more organizations set up to help citizens repair their credit, get in shape, and receive mental healthcare at no charge. Instead, services that truly help individuals are few and far in between. They’re hard to find and even harder to qualify for. Not everyone in need is homeless. Not everyone who’s homeless is ignorant, addicted or mentally ill. Our nation would have us believe that we’re on our own for the most part, and I guess we are. The news is more interested in President’s Trump’s sex life & Michelle Obama’s new book than they are with child suicide, divorce rates and hunger on our own soil.

The focus is off! Doesn’t anyone care about our wants, needs or what we gotta have? We want true freedom and real rights. We need to be loved and free to love. We gotta have housing, education, and sustainability. While I recognize that it is not the media’s job to take care of the citizens, I do believe the media should stop directing us toward a bottomless pit. No, the networks won’t pay our bills and nobody makes us watch tv, but when we tune in, it shouldn’t further damage and discourage us. We should be on each other’s side. Instead, everyone is posting and tweeting their every move in attempt to show someone else up.

Everybody wants to be first. Everybody wants the medal. I’m sick of it.

Lately I have this fierce anger rising up in my spirit. I’m not mad at anyone, but I’m upset that no one else is upset. We are the most distracted generation of human beings in history. We’re plugged in to everything but God. We trust everybody but God. We offer praise and adoration to everything but GOD. No wonder we’re in such a mess.

I’ve had money – not millions, but I know what it’s like to not be worried about finances. I’ve had relationships. I know how not to be alone. I’ve had experiences. I’ve seen stuff. I’ve done stuff. I’ve purchased stuff. I also know what it’s like to give it all up. There have been times I’ve looked in my closet and saw empty spaces because I had given everything away. Somehow, that same closet continues to refill. There have been days where my freezer was empty because I gave to a family in need and yet, I haven’t ever gone to bed hungry. I know the fear of missing out. It raised me, but now that I am wiser and much more humble, I understand that life isn’t about all the glitter and glamour. I am grateful for a God who teaches me to consider others. I am Thankful that God not only loves me, but He loves my country. He will provide for me and everything around me also. I am grateful for life and I vow to use it to share what God gives to me with whomever will receive.

I want God. I need God. I gotta have God.

I can’t speak for anyone else, but I genuinely hope our nation begins to realize how desperately we all need God, before it’s too late. He’s willing & able, but will you come?

I digress.

I am Eryka

Daddy’s 72!

How great it is that my Dad celebrated his 72nd year of life today. His 95 year old mom, among others, called to wish him well. It’s quite a blessing.

My blessing came this evening during a cool, impromptu conversation with Dad. We began discussing relationships. He recognized that not all guys have morals or even a decent work ethic. He notices that it’s harder for women to find suitable mates who actually want to be in a committed relationship.

He & my mom met in 1981 & married in 1982. 36 years later… they’re still together for better, and worse, and everything in between. His advice is Golden…

Daddy told me:

– Don’t be too demanding. Even though wives tend to take moms place, they’re not the mom, so don’t try to raise him.

– Let him have free time and don’t make him feel guilty for it

– when you have an issue, tell him what you feel, ask for what you need and let him respond. His response May come days later. That’s where trusting God comes in I guess!

– Plan time to be with him each week to get your fix. It can seem like it’s all about him but that’s only because he doesn’t always know how to give what you need.

– We have to communicate our needs because they don’t read minds and they take what we say at face value. If we tell them not to worry about it; they won’t. If we brush something off and say it’s fine when it’s really not; he thinks everything is cool and we end up angry inside. So he said to ask him to sit and talk with you and let him know going in “I’m not complaining. I just need help solving this problem.”

I am not in a committed relationship as of yet, but I treasure that moment. I’ve waited my entire adulthood for that conversation and God provided. My daddy cares about my heart. My daddy cares if I’m happy, even if it’s another man providing the happiness. He sees a wife in me and he simply wants me to be my best self.

Today, I faced the beautiful, wondrous truth that My Daddy loves me and I am still a jewel to Him. Age, weight, education, money – it doesn’t matter. My daddy sees ME & He’s rooting for me. Now that’s quite the gift!

To God be the Glory!

I am Eryka

Easy

Some things are just… easy. It doesn’t means they’re productive or highly beneficial, but they are more attainable than other things. Simply put, some things require less effort than others. What determines this can be anything from size to location of said thing. What’s easy to a child may be difficult for an adult, and vice versa.

Relationships are never easy, right? I can’t say that I have a sure answer just yet. Relationships require work; constant, direct, effort with vision and clear intentions. Where there is no vision, there is no destination and therefore effort is not required. Some relationships feel this way because they’re just not meant to be. Not everyone was meant to be friends with everyone else. Not every man will fall in love with every woman he meets. It happens.

Those are the easy relationships. Easy relationships don’t require much, and don’t pour much into us. They scratch an itch or meet a certain need, but hardly ever fulfill a meaningful place in our lives. These relationships distract us from more challenging ones which have the potential to grow us, but us humans love our comfort zones, am I right? An illustration of an easy relationship is the following:

– Boy & Girl grow up together and develop a sexual/romantic relationship strictly based on convenience. Neither commits to the other and both face unmet emotional/spiritual needs in the process. Their bond is justified by the amount of time they’ve known each other coupled with the number of times they’ve been intimate. The relationship goes on, but never gets anywhere.

“Life is too short to waste on temporary thrills; this includes flings.”

History becomes a crutch, but in reality, time is inevitable. Time will pass whether we want it to or not, and anything we don’t end will continue. History may exist, but it is simply not enough. Sticking with the easy choice may cause less strain, but it also lacks benefit. Now, do I believe relationships should be difficult and strenuous? Not at all. They should require work but the work is part of the glory. When building a home, the painter doesn’t mind compromising with the electrician because he understands how both their efforts make the final product complete. The same applies to relationships. My fullness + your fullness = a beautifully structured connection.

Easy is for board games. I’m ready for the types of connections that push me, add to me, and produce within me the greatness God created me for. I want to do the same for someone else. I may not be the easy choice, but I am the most valuable choice.

I am Eryka

Lunch Time!

1 Apple

1 cup of grapes

4 oz yogurt

1/2 c Raisins & Walnuts

A dash of cinnamon sugar.

You’re welcome 🙂

I am Eryka

Set Me Free, a poem

“Set Me Free”

June 17, 2005

Revised: October 24, 2016; April 6, 2018

 

I’ve waited to be in your arms so long I can’t escape

My fantasy is now a reality that I’ve come to face

The way you’re standing there I can tell you’ve missed me

And how you lift me up into your arms and with no hesitation, you kiss me

In bliss, please

Set me Free

 

Every step we take is a movement backwards or so it seems

And no matter how close we get, it still remains a dream

Sitting on the ledge by the window watching the rain fall

Your hands stroke me softly and I feel your body call

Answering after one ring

It’s Your Thing

Ambition ignites and you set fire to my soul

Your touch I can’t get enough of; I surrender all control

Grab a hold, and

Set me free

 

I’m feeling like taking every ounce of your body into my mouth and holding it captive in peace

You and Me as one growing from a bud to a family tree

I can’t thank you enough for the joy you add to life

You are definitely worth every moment I spent yearning to be Your Wife

Yours is a Love that flows completely from base to the tip

Our foundation is secured by God’s sweet, remarkable gifts

Let’s embark on the ride of a lifetime to locations unvisited

Abiding in the true vine living uninhibited

Your Good Thing has come; aren’t you glad you waited

The hard work was not in vain, with God’s rain we’ve been compensated

 

Fill me up with your passion and tell my body a secret

Sharpen me with each stroke you send my way making me keep it

Let this moment last long after feelings leave

Aren’t you so glad God called you to leave and cleave

Right here in our place; I never want to leave

And it’s all because of you; you who set my heart free

… Among other parts.

How do you do?

Dude, I finally, officially got the dreaded flu. I was misdiagnosed in December and treated for the flu although at the time, I simply had an ear infection. I woke up yesterday miserable!

I’ve been tired and icky feeling for the past couple of days. I suppose everybody gets their turn with America’s viruses. *rolls eyes*

I’ve got much to say but little energy, so this shall be continued soon…

Giving that Hurts

There’s an old saying that goes:

Hurt people, hurt people.

It’s quite true. When we’re in a sea of pain, we inevitably inflict it on the things and people around us. My journey has taught me that I’m no use to my loved ones when I’m drowning in sorrow.

On the flip side of the emptiness that pain creates is Wholeness. Healing brings about Wholeness and Healed people, heal people. Could it be true? Well, I believe so. Consider therapists and doctors. Because of their emotional and physical wellness coupled with their gifts and training, they’re able to be effective in the lives of others.

Ask yourself: How effective am I in the lives of others?

As I consider this question, I can only hope that the ashes I’ve experienced are producing beauty that I can give back to the Earth. Sometimes giving simply hurts. When I’m sick, it’s hard to smile or encourage others, but my healing is connected to what I’m able to offer others. Healing is a process. Wholeness is a journey. We don’t simply arrive, but we are called to constantly strive.

Being blessed to give what I need most is one of the ways God shows me His healing power. Giving isn’t always fun or happy. Yes, God Loves a cheerful giver and we should all give willingly, but Giving is sacrificial. Most sacrifices sting. That’s just the reality of it, but as I am reminded every time I accidentally cut myself while cooking or when I sprang a joint or bump my knee that the first step toward healing is pain/the sting. The hardest part of recovery is often the first day. We have a hard time accepting that we’ve been injured which is why we some times reject the process of healing. Physically we may try to continue everyday activity. Mentally and emotionally, we may carry on proclaiming and believing that we are “okay” when in reality we’re broken.

Hey, it’s okay to be broken! Broken is the first step toward fixed! To be made new, a thing must first become old. To be reborn, one must die. To be put back together, one must fall apart. That’s just how it goes.

Here’s the good part: Nothing we give will ever be withheld from us. There’s a story in the book of Genesis where the Spirit of God calls Abraham to take the son He waited decades to have and sacrifice Him. God did not literally want Abe to kill His son, but He needed Abe to be willing to. We must be willing to hurt in order to see the wonder of healing. Abe was willing to sacrifice the one thing he prayed hardest and longest for. Why? Because He understood that God would never ask for something He didn’t have plans to replace. God made way for Issac. Abe understood that if God did it once, He could do it twice.

We can’t beat God at Giving!

That said, as we give our time, energy and joy even in the midst of our own brokenness, we can be encouraged. God is not asking us to give anything that He has not already given us.

Last week, I gave a sweet gift to someone who was once a really good “friend” to me but as of lately they’ve been everything but a friend. The gift was purely impulsive. I thought about every reason I shouldn’t have given the gift, but only after I had given it. Before I gave the gift, I understood the risk, but I felt compelled to give anyway.

I have no clue why my heart wanted to give to that particular person. To be honest, if I could take the gift back, I would probably try. Being abandoned by that person hurt me. Being let down by that friendship hurt me. The sting is still very real, so why did I give the gift?

I’m convinced that in that moment, the recipient needed the sweet gesture more than my pride needed to be appeased. Maybe it made their day. Maybe it taught them something. Maybe it has nothing to do with them and everything to do with me. Maybe I just need to be willing to give even when I don’t understand or want to.

In the moment, I truly wanted to. I really did. I was excited and smiling when I delivered the gift. It wasn’t until afterward that I felt some type of way. Was I secretly expecting something in return? Did I give to prove my worth to them? Am I trying to win back the relationship?

Honestly, No.

I know why the relationship failed. I also don’t need anything from the person. I know I was good to them and that I’m still a good person with a good heart. I think I proved that to myself when I gave. Maybe that was the point! It has everything to do with my ability to give beyond my level of comfort and understanding and nothing to do with how the person feels about the gift.

I wasn’t giving to the person after all. I was simply giving God the same sweetness He has given me. I was displaying Mercy and I didn’t realize it. I chose to show Grace to someone who has intentionally rejected and harmed me. I don’t need a medal. I don’t want accolades. I got what I needed, Healing. I believe that I am now fully healed from the effects of that relationship ending.

I’ve shed the old skin and old way of thinking. I don’t need someone to be friendly towards me for me to show kindness to them. Some people are just unkind. Some people are just distant. Some people are far more hurt than I am and they don’t have the relationship with Jesus that affords them the healing they need. This is why I give. I give because I believe that God manifests Himself in my gift.

I lack no thing. I can afford to give.

Side-note: Although I agree that I can be kind and friendly to unfriendly people, I would be remiss if I didn’t encourage you guys to set healthy boundaries. Don’t be misused or taken for granted if you can help it, but also don’t be stingy. Love doesn’t have to be up close and personal. Effective Love is some time also Love at a distance. Remember, your first priority is to Love God & Yourself. Loving others is a byproduct of Loving God and yourself. Desperation creates false love. Be kind, but be careful.

I digress. Ultimately, I don’t regret the gift. This wasn’t the first time I was nice to someone who wasn’t nice to me and it won’t be the last BUT this is the first time I have recognized the benefit Giving brings my way. It’s not about what I gave up or what I have lost. Nope. That matters not because what I have gained in wisdom and understanding is more valuable.

Give, with Greatness!

I am Eryka